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"I am not afriad, I was born to do this" -Joan of Arc

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Wednesday, September 5th, 2007
11:52 pm - Unquestionably True. Sadly.

ColorQuiz.com Brit took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Desires release from an unsatisfactory situation a..."


Click here to read the rest of the results.




current mood: blank

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Tuesday, March 20th, 2007
10:55 pm - Right under their noses
Ha. Haven't been here in awhile. I def. need some new shoes.

I truely am a sociopath. Work and school. Just do yoga- you'll be cured. i swear.

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Friday, December 29th, 2006
8:37 pm - A female presence amongst us, yes
Sometimes I wish I were dead. And then I realize that I am already. When i look in the mirror i see nothing but the blank deadness staring back at me. I feel nothing, really. To say I'm sad, would be the same as saying I'm happy, or a watermelon. Its all relative. I can't leave the house in confidence. I can't imagine anyone wanting to touch me, ever. And if they did, I'd probably do my best to make them hate me just to save them from the black hole. I'm not smart enough to be a doctor. Oh waah waah waah. I guess to be honest I know no one ever saw me as anything but a mom, or whatever. Which is strange in a round-a-bout way because practically everyone i know is pregnant- my own biological clock is ticking-loudly. Not that i want babies now, i know i'd be a horrible mother, nor do i know if i even want them because of the problems i would be passing down to them, and then there's the big issue of finding someone who would want to sleep with me... but its ticking and its driving me insane.Ambition is down the toliet. Whats the use anyways. I can barely get up in the mornings. Even pulling myself up for work is a chore. But money is all i need. It buys me books so i can lose myself. I have recurrent dreams that I've been in a horrible car accident and I need major plastic surgery- i wake up, in my dream of course, and marvel at my newness. I wake up, in real life this time, and am disappointed. In fact, I'd probably attempt rhinoplasty,liposuction, eye-lift, stomach stapling,etc, if they had a do-it-yourself kit. I want to be able to see my vertebrae through my skin. Red eyes and skin. If i honestly ask myself what i want, i don't know. To be happy? No, I'm too old for that. Happiness is the exception to rule. We're all ingrained to want to be happy, to want to do all the will make us happy. But nothing is ever going to make anyone happy. Really truely happy. And the weird part about all this, is that I'm not even upset that I might never be happy, its almost a relief- that maybe I'm not as fucked up as i think.

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Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
6:45 pm
Sometimes I wonder if we all fail this much, or if its just me. I've lost pretty much everything I valued. I just can't stand myself, i don't want to burden people with my insanity. I don't want to hurt anyone I care about, but i have. Please believe I never intended to. I never wanted to hurt you guys, i have the best memories with you and I wish we still had this, but things seem so different now. Almost impossible to reconnect. And Its my fault, and i know it is. But I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know if you want to fix it. Sometimes i jsut feel so alone. And I wish i had you to talk to. Because you guys are the only ones who know anything about me. Not just me, but the me that i hate.

They are thermals.

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Monday, October 30th, 2006
10:49 pm - Hallow's Eve
Like she really thought a knitting needle was going to take him down? Seriously. Of that throwing the knife off to side was a a safe bet.

die die die, my darling.

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Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
9:29 pm - M'kay?
I had a dream last night that my co-worker poisoned my food and raped me. Yeah, I know.

I can't look at him anymore. ha.

current mood: cynical

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Saturday, September 2nd, 2006
2:42 pm - Hot Child in the City
School.work.school.work.school.work.school.school.work.school.work.

I'm still kind of seeing Him. He's the only one who knows I'm alive. I'll be 21 soon, and at least he'll be there to bring me down where I should be.

Sometimes I think none of us has any right to be happy. Ever.

current mood: apathetic

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Monday, July 17th, 2006
3:23 pm - Spoke in the Wheel
My life is a mess. They're are some that I'd do anything for a bit of attention from, so I try to compensate the kind of attention I really want from people I don't care about. They're just there so i have some kind of interaction with humans.

Sometimes I wonder how it all came to be this way.

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Monday, May 29th, 2006
12:38 am - Juicy Goodness
Sometimes I just feel like crying just because. Just to break down sometime and cry. For a lot of reasons. I can;t pay for the school i got accepted to, i just can't. Not with all the loans, not with grants, or any of that crap. My parents won't help me, and I don't blame them, I should be able to handle this on my own but I don't make enough money to pay for it and I can't get loans because I don't make enough money and no one with money with co-sign. Theres times I just want to fuck all of it and became a hippie.

And then he is still there. And i hate him. But hes the only one who puts me through what in should be put through. He knows me, and I can't way theres a lot of people that do. Los Angeles is the most isolated city i can think of.

I'm sick. Snot and mucus. And a big knife.

And a funny story. I think I'm disowned from ym step family for not being (a) addicted to some drug, (b) pregnant, or (c) perfectly thin and beautiful. Its been a long time coming. And I can't say that i will lose any sleep over their failrue to love me.

I mean, what so romantic about being pregnant? You get fat. And then you have HUGE responsibilty of being a parent and raising the child and trying not to fuck it up the same way your parents fucked you up and then trying not to be obsessed with only your child and trying to re-live your life through them. And it goes on and on. And yet getting pregnant by some guy you don't know, when neither you nor him have an education, a job, a place to live, or any skill whatsoever, is like the second coming of Jesus. This is not logic, it is insanity.

current mood: crazy

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Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
4:10 pm - Pray for 20 Innocents
I can't talk, it hurts. The devil's in the cat and the baby's brain. So broke up with "him," at least for now. And there's this other guy, whom i went to school with, but its so akward. It feels like kissing my brother. That is, if i had a brother.

And I'm lonely, but that's nothing new. I've been tempted to slice my face with the scalpel I have for anatomy. I think this is the closest I've been to "homicidal" behavior.

current mood: sick

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Monday, April 24th, 2006
6:11 pm
Going Going Gone.

He offered to "carve the rage into my skin." I let him...again.

Been watching alot of Bette Davis movies, i am her.

current mood: Knife-ish

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Monday, April 3rd, 2006
11:32 pm
Self destructive. two words.
Self destructive
Self destructive.
Self destructive.
Self destructive.

I want violence. I need it.

I'll climb into his bed tonight, like last night and the night before that and hate myself. I'll only feel better when he punches me in the face.

The other night when my lip bleed like crazy, i knew i deserved it. and i was satisfied.

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Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
2:30 pm
Last night i had a dream that i was seducing an older man. I had really long hair. He thought i was too young, but in the end i wasn't. I loved it too much. And he wanted me, not someone else. I woke up in a good mood.

current mood: bleedingly

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Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
3:57 pm - tender tender tender
I'm tired of school already. I'm fading fast. I don't want to do anymore homework. I don't want to study for anymore tests. I've lost all touch it seems with my body that i know only a strong current of violence can bring me back. A punch, a stab, a kick... anything. Just as long as its violence, intense or maybe cruel.

current mood: defient

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Thursday, February 16th, 2006
6:30 am
"A butterfly under the glass; you are beautiful but you're not going anywhere"~*~*~*~

"My problem is you make me melt and I don't want to be frozen anymore"~*~*~*~*

"Don't you dare come to bed with that ambiguous look in your eye, I'd sooner sleep by an open fire and wake up fried. Say what you will, say what you mean. You could never offend, your dirty words come out clean."

"You saw me lost and treading water. I looked pathetic I looked as helpless as a stinger without a bee But underneath my presentation, yea I knew the walls were coming down And the stones that fell were aiming away from me Hey what would it mean to you To know that it'll come back around again Hey whatever it means to you Know that everything moves in circles"

"When I close my eyes, I can see for miles. There's comfort in my dark seat And chaos in the aisles"

"I'll never act my age But you can tell by the lines in my smile That I have been around for awhile"

current mood: cold

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Thursday, February 9th, 2006
12:52 pm
&blog
ColorQuiz.com Brit took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Has an imperative need for some bond or fusion wit..."


Click here to read the rest of the results.





Truer than I'd like to admit.

My stalker has reemerged. and brought me gifts. I feel like a terrible person and i don't know what to do. Should i just be with someone who i don't care about just to satisfy my conscience? Maybe. I don't know.

My niece Cloey ( I know her name is spelled so wrong, but thats b/c my sister can't spell) is staying with us for a while. That means watching lots of Disney movies.

current mood: anxious

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Monday, January 23rd, 2006
11:07 pm - Dinner at Eight
I hit a bmw. I hit a fucking bmv. My life is seriously over. I'm not even going to admit how much damage i did, the number makes me sick.

And from a friend who once said this same line, I don't want to touch myself i need someone else to do it. Or something like that. Or maybe because no one ever touches me, I'd like to feel something finally. Gay cowboys and pudding. Oh god, I'm terribly emo at the moment and that makes me want to rip my own head off. I need a nice fat punch in the face.

South Park reruns on channel 9 make me glow from the inside.

current mood: crazy

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Wednesday, December 21st, 2005
4:14 pm - Piggy, piggy, piggy.
[B][COLOR=Indigo][SIZE=5]Brit[/SIZE][/COLOR][/B]
[URL=http://drawapig.desktopcreatures.com/gallery/large.asp?id=866786&p=0&hof=1&q=personality+test][IMG]http://drawapig.desktopcreatures.com/gallery/2005/12/22/866786.jpg[/IMG]
[COLOR=Indigo]Click to view my test results[/COLOR][/URL]

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Monday, December 5th, 2005
2:22 pm - its in your blood
Bloody Alice.... lalalalala. If I could write a song, it'd be about Alice. and perhaps Harry Potter.

Yeah, so. Finals are almost here. I've written my last essay for this semester. And I almost wish school would go on a lot longer, just so I use it as an excuse. Just so I wouldn't be stuck with him. When did I start becoming so afraid? I don't remember being paralyzed by fear, is it when you realize there's just too much to lose? That your best will not be good enough any longer?

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant, I miscarried and lost the baby. The baby came out in clumps and black. And I kept thinking " you've seen me. you've seen my insides scooped out and empty."

current mood: blank

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Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
12:05 am


Act 2, Scene 1
An attractive young woman, the INTERN, sits at her desk. ROSS and MACGRUDER, two sales associates, stand near the water cooler.

MACGRUDER: Whoa! Get a load of the new intern! I'd like to file my proposal in her drawers.

ROSS: Easy there, MacGruder, you'll get us fired. [aside] I agree.

Exeunt.
 
The Intern
Deliberate Gentle Sex Dreamer (DGSDf)

    Capable. Trustworthy. Carnal. The Intern.

    From our experience, Interns are nice girls who would really, really like us to come on to them. They, like you, must be looking for sex, preferably from someone good-looking and successful. So... what are you doing later? Oh, okay, cool. Well, maybe next time? Okay, okay, jeez.

Your exact opposite:
The Sudden Departure

Random Brutal Love Master
    The thing is, you're a little bit quiet, so men think you're waiting for them to start things. You do like sex a lot, they're right about that, but few of them realize you're a genuinely thoughful person.

    You're choosy, not wanting to get mixed up with just anyone. Girls can get away with this kind of selectiveness for some reason. Most guys have to take whatever's lying around, passed out.

    You're not necessarily looking for a steady relationship right now; that's cool. Be careful to avoid people trying to tie you down to anything other than bedposts.

ALWAYS AVOID: The False Messiah, The Vapor Trail

CONSIDER: The Bachelor


Link: <a


current mood: bleedingly

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